A Kale Protein Bowl that Won’t Make You Want to End it All

This whole kale saga has been playing out on my blog for about a month and a half now, which, by Internet terms, means it has REAL staying power.

Recently I’ve been trying to switch things up because I realized my current kale smoothie likely had a little too much fruit sugar and not enough healthy fat (enough skinny women have passionately convinced me that some fats ARE indeed healthy so I’m on board, people).

The result of my toying?

My new ‘kale protein’ bowl, as I’m calling it. This is my post-6 a.m. Yoga Sculpt meal that I eat awkwardly with rushed spoonfuls between showering and brushing my teeth as I hurry to get ready, only gagging occasionally when I remember that I’m effectively eating leaves. Whatever. Beauty ain’t easy.

This is also probably a solid time to mention that almond butter is hands-down the best thing that’s happened to me in 2018. Even though it costs a heart-wrenching $11 a jar (I’m sorry, mom, I know), it makes everything—even a literal bowl of kale—taste good.
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Without further ado, here’s the kale protein bowl recipe that combines the protein of collagen powder with the fibrous, nutrient-dense power of kale and the healthy fat of almond butter to pack a pretty killer metabolic punch.

Peep my reflection in the picture as I tried to lay out all the ingredients for an ~aesthetic~ value.

First thing’s first: Add your kale. I’m still using Rob’s food processor because I’m lazy and cheap, so I just shove as much as possible into it until I can guiltlessly proceed with the less offensive ingredients.

Then, I scoop about a tablespoon (I use that measurement loosely—it’s a massive mound worth its weight in gold) of almond butter (I love Jason’s) on top, and put half a banana in as well.

The reason I only use half a banana now is because resident skinny b*tch Kelly LeVique (who I blogged about here, noting her ‘fab four’ methodology) said fruit is bad. Just kidding—but really, for maximum nutritional benefit, you should limit the fruit to about ¼ cup. So, half a banana it is, Kelly. You win.

Next, add your scoop of collagen powder and a scoop of chia seeds.

I’m going to level with y’all here—I’m not entirely sure why skinny Kelly is all about chia seeds, but lady loves them, so guess what? Katie loves them, too. They add a nice texture to the overall situation and cost, like, 90 cents a pound, so just go for it.

And ta da—pour your concoction into a bowl and eat it with a spoon! It’s a little too thick to drink like a smoothie, and when I put it in a bowl, I feel like I’m eating one of those $9 Highland Park mom breakfasts from places with names like Jūce.

Let me know if y’all like it! It’s a pretty agreeable way to still do something good for yourself, especially first thing in the morning.

Cheers,
KG